I am typing this new blog entry on my beautiful new laptop. Now it’s not a mac so don’t get too excited and for those of you who will judge me , i tell you this up front so you can quit reading. It’s still pretty sweet to me. In fact my favorite thing about it, I think it’s pretty. But it is faster, stronger, and has lots of Gigs and whatever else a new computer should have.
It feels like it has a lot of potential. It just feels like I should be able to do so much more and do that better. The irony is, so far, I’ve done the same things just on a new computer – the improvement is, I can do it from my living room couch instead of the desk in my office. OK, maybe that’s not an improvement.
Anyway, my pretty new computer got me thinking about blank slates and new beginnings.
I’m committed to not making the same mistakes with this computer. I wanna keep the email more organized and I wanna make sure I don’t bog it down with old files I don’t need any more. I had to transfer my old stuff to my new computer last week. I had this great software that allows you to choose what you want to transfer and what you want to leave behind. I also ran several programs to check for all the bad stuff that you don’t want to move from the old computer to your new one. While it took me at least 5 hours longer than it would have taken anyone else, I still felt pretty proud of myself.
There was this long bit of time where the program basically told me “let me do my job and I’ll let you know when I need you again”. However, there was no evidence on the screen to update me on what the computer was doing. It kinda freaked me out. Thankfully it told me how much time I should expect it to take to do whatever it was doing. I couldn’t help but worrying about all of the bad stuff that could be happening outside of my control! How much could I really trust this program to not screw up? What if it irretrievably deleted all the stuff I needed? What if it jacked up my new computer before I even got to use it? What if I lost my new start and my old stuff all at the same time?
I’ve had quite a few new starts in my life. At first, I love that feeling of potential and promise. I even love that feeling of not knowing what is going to happen – well, I love that feeling for a minute. But it doesn’t take long before I get into the dark scary part. The part where you can’t see in front of you at all so you aren’t really sure where the next step is going to take you. In the new start I again find myself in, I’m well past the feeling of potential and promise and moving deeper into the dark scary part. The part where you keep saying to your self “what the heck did I just do?”
Wouldn’t it be great if someone asked us . . . what do you want to leave with the old and what do you want to bring into the new? And then with one quick click of a button, it was done. And wouldn’ t it be really great if we were told how long this transition was going to take? I get why people go to astrologers and psychics. It’d be nice to have some answers to cling to, even if the answers ended up not being right.
It’s kinda of hard to walk through this bit and not feel completely alone, exposed and unprotected.
Don’t get me wrong, I know in my head that I’m not alone and that God has a plan for my future. I can even quote the scripture references. But it’s hard to move that from my head to my heart. I wish I could trust more. You would think at my age, I’d have more answers than questions.
Am I alone in this? Have you successfully navigated new starts? What do you do to keep yourself moving forward through the dark scary parts? How do you stave off the panic and focus on the promise?