Why I hate singles ministries

I love my church AND I love THE church. But I hate singles ministry. Maybe hate is too strong a word since  I admit that in my many years of being labeled a ’single adult’, I have spent very few years involved in a singles ministry.   So I’m no expert but it’s my blog and I can vent if I want to!

I’ve intentionally avoided singles ministries for years because after some attempts to connect with groups in both small and large churches, I found very little difference between them and bars or clubs or any other place where people hope to find someone.  Obviously the music, fashion and language were different but at it’s core it felt like the purpose was the same.  I’m here to meet someone.

There’s no great mystery why it’s that way.  The vast majority of singles are  trying to become permanently or temporarily un-single.  We want to say about one special person . . . ‘we are together’ whether that person is Mr/Ms Right or turns out to be Mr/Ms In-the-Meantime. It’s just a natural by-product of a significant number of unattached people spending time in the same place.  It is not necessarily a wrong or bad thing in and of itself.

One of my biggest issues with most singles ministries is that for many people, you are inadvertently separated from the rest of the church population.  Maybe it is not an intentional quarantine as if we could spread our illness but still segregated from the rest of church in many ways.

The vast number of singles do eventually become permanently part of a couple and they get promoted to big people church . . .  Couples Sunday School classes!  But for those of us ‘left behind’ as a perennial single (the ultimate Christian version of not being picked for a team), there is this sense that we are viewed as not yet adults and not quite a part of the bigger community of adult believers and consequently many singles live down to the expectation and don’t spiritually mature because that logical next step  of marriage is still in the future.

Historically, the church thought being single was a temporary transitional season (that’s what I thought,too)  so the church approached it that way. It was to help you grow from being a kid to being a full fledged responsible member of the church or it was a recovery ministry for those who have gone through the painful season of divorce. In many churches, I imagine that feels a bit like being demoted back to remedial adult Christian classes but that is a rant for someone else’s blog.  At any rate, that approach to ministering to singles might have made sense 25 years ago but it just feels a bit irrelevant to me now.

Today there seems to be a significantly larger number (at least in my anecdotal observation) of never married and divorced Christians than in previous generations.  Consequently, one of the unfortunate byproducts of that kind of segregated ministry is that some singles learn to think of church as a social club and nothing more.  It becomes too much about what the church does to entertain me.  They don’t benefit from a connectedness to the church beyond those other people labeled ’single’.  They don’t sit alongside healthy and happy families or older men and women who have so much wisdom to offer, etc.  And sadly, the church doesn’t benefit from knowing many people who are very gifted, talented and have things to give to the broader church but just happen to also be single!

My biggest problem however is that a church ministry for singles should be about something more significant than just fixing the singleness problem!  It should be about making people more fully developed followers of Jesus – regardless of their family situation! The Bible Study, missions projects and service projects shouldn’t just be additional social activities where people could potentially meet someone.   If they are strategies intended to bring about a result, it should be the result of knowing God and making Him known.

Lastly, maybe I’m alone in this but I doubt it, I don’t just think of myself as a single person. Or better said, I don’t only think of myself as a single person.  There’s a lot more than the lack of family that makes up who I am and my needs and interests.  It’s not how I label myself and it kinda offends me that the church would reduce me to a label.  It’s ridiculous (and sometimes patronizing) to think that single people only have anything in common with other single people.

Thankfully, I have always been interested in music and working with students so in serving in those areas of church, I found a great way of meeting and connecting with people beyond my singleness.   I have been beyond blessed to be surrounded by an eclectic group of people: married, single, older, younger, all kinds! My life is better for having known them and I fear I may have missed out on knowing them had I only been looking for a church to increase my chances of getting married.

I realize many of you are thinking, you’re still single, maybe this whole avoiding singles ministry didn’t work out so well for you.  And for that, I have no response.  Maybe I’m wrong on this and am dooming myself to eternal aloneness but I doubt it.  I suspect God is bigger even than that.   So, until there’s a better model for singles ministry, I’ll stick to the plan of doing church without a label.

What are your thoughts on singles ministry?  Is there a model of singles ministry that isn’t quite so seperated?  Have you been in a transformational ministry for singles yourself?  Thoughts on age or family status defined church ministries?  I imagine there are lots of others who are strongly in favor and I’m open to hearing about it!

Loving the Life I Never Wanted

When I was 6 years old, I wanted to grow up and sing like Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz.  I loved my khaki plastic record player which played my Dad’s amazing album collection, including the soundtracks for The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music, Oklahoma, My Fair Lady and jazz greats like Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole.  I could actually sing every word to Wizard of Oz before I ever saw the movie – on TV, of course.

By the time I was 21, my dreams were more realistic.  They included a husband who I would build a life and family with and if I was lucky,we’d travel the world a little.  I didn’t really have a vision for a career or anything other than I wanted to be a singer but didn’t expect to be a famous one.

Ironically, for much of the last 20 years I have spent my time helping other people become successful artists which as it turns out was WAY better than doing it myself.   I’ve watched artists that I worked with perform for thousands of people and traveled with them to the majority of states in this country.  I’ve also done other things I never imagined.  I’ve visited more than a dozen countries on 4 continents. I lived in Manhattan for 3 years and worked at a new church.  And I’ve been lucky to meet so many amazing people!

I’m frequently told, “I have an exciting life.” Hardly.  People imagine I must have everything I ever wanted.  Far from it.

I know that I have been blessed with a lot more than I would have ever had the courage to dream for myself, but I don’t see much of what people consider great about my life.  When they see my life, they see freedom and independence.  I see a lot of emptiness and the lack of somebody who cares where I am or when I’ll be back.  They see travel to far-off places and cool experiences.  I remember an early morning on a business trip to Seattle watching the ferries come in and the sun come up on the Puget Sound while drinking the perfect cup of coffee and wondering why there is never anyone to share those experiences with me.

On my sad days, when I look at my life, all I see is a big gaping hole where I pictured a husband and family of my own.    It is hard to admit that the main things I wanted are now the very dreams that haven’t turned into reality.

At 20, when I was full of big dreams and huge expectations, one of my favorite verses was Jeremiah 29:11 that says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Not only did I just assume the future included husband and kids, but I never even considered it wouldn’t happen. So I find myself needing to confess that today I am living a life I NEVER wanted.

Occasionally I catch myself asking, why did God do this to me, did He forget about me?  If he didn’t, where is He in this situation?   Were those promises in Jeremiah offering everyone else a  a hope and a future, just not me?  Or maybe I am reaping the rewards of bad choices.  Maybe the future He planned was never intended to include the things I dreamed for.

Is it possible that the same verse that gave me hope as a naïve 21 year old, can give me hope as a disappointed 40 something?

It is comforting to me that God sent this verse to Hebrew slaves held in captivity in Babylon.  In the midst of what was probably their worst case scenario, God sent a message of hope and not just for their salvation.  This is a reminder that there is Hope for a future but you also have a life to live in the meantime and there is a plan and a purpose for it as well.

I try to imagine the response of the exiles upon hearing this letter:  captive, hundreds of miles from the only home they’ve ever known living in the midst of enemies.  I imagine they were hoping for something a little more like an escape plan; certainly not instructions like build houses and plant gardens.

While they are told they will return home, it won’t be for 70 years so his detailed instructions focus on the ‘in the meantime’. He’s acknowledging that they are captives in a faraway land and it’s not what they hoped for but it’s their reality today and they need to grow up and deal with it. Don’t spend any more time sitting on the couch with bon bons watching sad old movies or crying into pillows.

We often find ourselves stuck in those ‘in the meantime’ seasons. I imagine many of you are dealing with your own ” in the meantime” reality:  maybe you were surprised by a serious illness or sudden unemployment and financial hardships or maybe complicated family relationships or a marriage that didn’t live up to expectations.

Ultimately, it all comes down to a question of trust.  Can we trust that God is the author of our story and that there is a plan and a purpose even in the midst of the unfulfilled expectations and painful disappointments?  Can I trust that this ‘in the meantime’ is part of the promised hope and future that will prosper me and not harm me – even though it sometimes hurts?  Can I trust that there is a purpose at work for my good and for His glory, even in the midst of my own worse case scenario?  Deep down I believe that I can.  I just have to remind myself that I do from time to time.

It may not be the answer I wanted to hear but it is the one I need to learn.

I wonder what Chris Martin thinks?

The words Taylor Swift and Coldplay in the same title definitely threw me.  But thankfully I watched this against my better judgement.  Maybe I’m in a sappy sentimental mood (see: Some Wicked Awesome Evening post) but I liked it.  Give it a watch and tell me what you think.  The publishing professional in me wonders what Chris Martin thinks, however!