Struggling for Contentment February 26, 2009
Posted by amabry in Current Events, Thinking outloud about God and stuff.Tags: anxious, contentment, economy, fear, great depression
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I really hope that the title of my blog hasn’t been misleading. I don’t always love my life. It’s many times a choice inspite of my emotional reality as much as anything. It’s a journey to find contentment riddled with gradual progress and lots of failure. For me, I’m deep in a season of struggling for that contentment.
I’m learning when you do freelance, that there is no clear line between your job and your life which creates some interesting issues. Because fear and anxiety has a domino effect, a professional fear can quickly move through all the areas of my personal life. While I have really enjoyed the freedom of doing freelance, the flexibility that gives freedom is just another name for uncertainty and insecurity. When you layer the current economic environment on top of that, I get scared. OK, borderline terrified. Not knowing what the future holds and worrying if there will be enough work to generate income to pay the bills, has left me feeling incredibly discontent and unsure.
When I’m overwhelmed with questions or answers, I tend to stand still. I’m a processor and a thinker so this is a good strategy for me most of the time. But if I can’t think my way to an answer, I end up just standing there. And while I’m standing still I’m obsessing over the problems that I assume don’t have answers. But maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe I already have the answer that I’m looking for but I’m just not sure what to do with it or how to trust it. I know the answer is found in knowing my hope is and always has been in Christ. It is just hard to always know how that translates into finding contentment in my every day living. I know God has a plan for my future but could he give me a heads up in figuring out personal medical insurance options?
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 3:13-14)
Don’t we all know and love verse 14? I can do ALL THINGS! But I tend to forget the context Paul wrote it in. He wrote it from prison in a letter that talks as much about joy as anything else. He simply acknowledges no matter what, Christ is the source of his contentment. Not his circumstance (freedom or prison, employment or unemployment). Not his abundance (401K, CDs or money market accounts, insurance plans) . Not his knowledge of the future. Only in knowing Christ does he find contentment and strength for any circumstance.
It’s hard to watch the news and not start to feel panicky about our current economic situation. One of the girls in our Bible Study class asked me if we were going into another Great Depression. I could only answer honestly and say I don’t know. I kinda wish the economists were as forthcoming. They don’t know either. They’re all just guessing and there are as many opinions as there are options. The prevailing thought seems to be whomever is in front of the camera the most.
While I couldn’t answer their question about the economy, I knew I could tell them that God is in control and He is neither surprised nor alarmed by the drop in consumer confidence, a plummeting stock market or unchecked government spending. He saw this coming and He has a plan. I suppose the answer I gave them confidently is the same answer I should give myself.
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
”Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:22-31
Seek first His kingdom. That’s the answer. That’s what I’m supposed to do. Sounds simple. I guess it starts with changing my focus from my momentary situation and instead, fixing my focus on Jesus. I imagine my priorities would become suddenly clear. I also imagine the things that are absolute would become bigger than the things that are not. I imagine I would also be reminded that God is way bigger than all of this.
God, help my unbelief. Help me remember You are my provider as well as my Creator and Savior. As I seek you first, please help me know how to act and how to wait and how to trust. Amen.
Lessons Learned in 2008 January 1, 2009
Posted by amabry in Me thinking outloud about Me.add a comment
So this is the New Year. And not a moment too soon. As I’m typing this, it’s 11:00 pm New Year’s Eve. One Hour and one extra second until 2009. In some ways, it can’t get here soon enough. I’m not at all sad to start writing 2009 on my checks.
The last 12 or 13 months have been among the hardest I’ve experienced so of course, I’m hoping for a bit of an easier road in 2009. I ended last year without a ‘real job’. Consequently, I decided to do my own thing and start my own marketing company with all the instability and insecurity that’s included in that kind of venture. It’s something I was previously terrified of even considering. Almost immediately on the heels of that decision, the retina in my left eye tore & detached not once but twice in 3 months. An extremely unforeseen and traumatic event that rocked me. I’ve never before considered vision as something for which I should be grateful. Well, I am now.
On the other side of all this unexpected drama, I realize it’s been a great year for me. Maybe one of the best in some ways. This last year has taught me a lot. One of the biggest lessons I learned is “I am not my job”. Probably obvious to many but this has been a hard lesson for me. Being forced to doing this job on my own has really made me look at my life like a whole not just my job as my life and then everything else if there’s room for it. I think I am gaining a new perspective . . . slowly.
The main thing I have learned is that I am not in control. When I was sitting in the Opthamologists office with the 2nd detached retina, I asked him what I could have done to prevent this from happening. He just looked at me as if I’d said something stupid and said ‘nothing’. When I followed up with ‘why’, he just said ‘bad luck but I’ve had patients who have had 5 in one year, so this isn’t so bad.’ Gotta love doctors’ bedside manner. That certainly wasn’t an answer I wanted. I didn’t want to think I could be sitting in that chair in 3 months waiting on another horrifying outpatient surgery or worse and not have any ability to prevent it. No control.
I think control must be the greatest illusion of them all. We build our lives in way that allows us to believe we have it all under control; anticipating anxiously, planning feverishly, worrying endlessly. You’d think 13 years in the music industry would’ve been more than enough time to teach me I am not in control. But I’ve always been a slow learner when it comes to the important lessons.
Shockingly, I have kind of learned to enjoy acknowledging I’m not in control. For me the answers have come in choosing to grab onto contentment. It’s certainly not a reflex action, I have to think about it but I am learning to find contentment in the mist of the uncertainty. I am learning to trust that my friends and family love me. Just me. Not because of what I do or don’t do. I am learning to trust that no matter what comes music industry-wise, I have skills and abilities that I worked hard for and I can use elsewhere or I can work hard and learn new skills. Even now, I’m practicing “would you like to Super size those fries? or “can I get an espresso drink started for you?”
Most importantly, I’m learning to trust that God is in control and that He is working in and through it all. The Bible tells us that He can work through all things for good for those that love Him, even through things that were intended to harm us. So, even in the worst times, I am comforted that He can use that for my benefit and ultimately for His.
So after considering the lessons learned in 2008, here’s what I hoping for in 2009:
To learn to love deeper and longer my family and my friends.
To be intimidated less by the things that scare me.
To invest myself and my resources in things that really matter.
To grow my circle of influence in a way that benefits others.
To spend my time wisely as if every hour is an investment in something with great potential.
To know, love and trust God more.
I certainly have a list of specific wishes but I am learning that often the things that we don’t hope for ourselves are the best things. So, I’ll work toward my goals today all the while expecting the unexpected and in the meantime, I’ll continue practicing being content with whatever circumstance I’m in.
Happy New Year!
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:21-26
St. Elmo’s Fire: how can one movie hold so many embarassing memories? December 16, 2008
Posted by amabry in Me thinking outloud about Me.Tags: embarassing moments, regret, St. Elmo's Fire
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Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain! It can obsess over the most ridiculous things. The other morning I caught the end of St. Elmo’s Fire. You know the coming-of-age Brat Pack movie from 1985 or so. Any other person my age would laugh at the melodrama and ridiculous 80s hair and clothing and shrug it off. But not me! You know how you can hear a song from a certain season of life or a specific event and it completely brings back those memories, not just the images but the emotions as well. Well, this movie does that for me – several specific embarassing memories.
One night when I was living in Manhattan, a friend and I were hanging out. We’d been to dinner or a movie or something and were wandering around Bleeker St looking for some cafe she remembered. We never did find it but I we popped in one really out of the way place. You know the kind, cool vibe, not very pretentious but Village-sized small with tables very close together. Kind of a neighborhood place.
We had been having a pretty deep conversation on and off all night and we were continuing it over our late night coffees. A woman came in alone and was seated right next to us. Which was weird because it was very late and the place was pretty empty. Anyway, the tables were so close together that when she sat next to me, she was closer to me than my friend across the table.
I was in the process of explaining to Melinda that my emotional memory must be wired wrong. When I remember events from the past, it’s rarely the good things and the emotions that come back around the memory stay with me for days after . . . like it happened just yesterday. As if I don’t have enough to deal with from today!
As an example, I mentioned that a few days before I caught St. Elmo’s Fire on tv late at night when I couldn’t sleep. I have two memories attached with this movie that make me cringe – actually nauseus is a better description. Both times include me behaving in a way that I still really regret and consequently the memories are very vivid. So vivid that it feels like watching another person do something awful and being embarassed for them. You know like watching American Idol auditions. The feeling that comes up is this deep regret and a fear that if the people involved even remember me, I hope that’s not what they remember about me! Like that moment is a clip that would make their highlight reel like the idiots on Idol who get shown over and over all season. These are people I haven’t seen in 20 years and I’m obsessing over what they think about me.
I had that sick feeling in my stomach for a couple days after that watching that stupid movie! Since Melinda is a good friend, she is laughing at my craziness all the while she is trying to make me feel better about being crazy in the first place.
Right about the time her date shows up, I realize that the girl next to us has obviously heard the entire exchange. And in a true ‘this-could-only-happen-to-Anne’ moment, her date is actually former brat packer himself, Andrew McCarthy. You know “the meaning of life” guy from the movie! Thankfully he asks if they can move to another table. But it didn’t save us the embarassment because of course, the girl sells us out. Within seconds of sitting down he’s looking over at us and smiling. Melinda couldn’t stop staring at him, and as I keep whispering under my breath for her to stop looking, I turned red toes to top! He actually walked past us to the rest room smiling at us the whole way. It was so beyond embarassing all you could was laugh.
Fast forward to this weekend when I chance upon the end of the movie on tv, instead of cringing from regret for 20 year old actions, I can’t stop laughing over and over at one of the most ridiculous moments of my life!
